In this Imbolc season of new beginnings and fresh starts I have decided to take back my health once again. Finding the motivation for this was like seeking out a needle in a hay stack. I convinced myself I was completely content to die fat and happy. However, I also know that my way of dealing with stress since I quit smoking almost a year ago has been with food and I am seeing a lot of previous hard work go down the drain.
My resolution this year was to do a lot of shadow work, which I have done. It is through that shadow work that I have gotten mentally prepared for this journey. Getting back into an unhealthy lifestyle has been the cause of not dealing with stress in an appropriate way. It’s always too easy to revert to old habits, and safety nets, when we are feeling vulnerable and unmotivated.
I remember after I lost over 75 lbs. a few years ago, I had critics who refused to just pay a compliment or if they did it was very short lived and/or followed with a critique. They would make sly comments about saggy skin that, even though too coward to point directly at me, still targeted and wounded me. My efforts of weight loss felt empty even with the weight gone. I still didn’t feel good about what I had done because rather than seeing a healthy person people were only moving on to another imperfection rather than a Barbie doll figure. I slowly lost my drive, my motivation and myself as I begin gaining back pounds.
Through my shadow work, I find the same people who like to criticize and demean all I am and do, are the same one who are very flawed themselves and yet are too coward to make changes to better themselves. These are the people who sit in criticism as if they are perfect and know how to fix the world around them but can’t look in their own mirror. I feel sorry for them, their negativity continues to poison their souls and their bodies.
I also found that I need to stop seeking out my motivation and validation in other people’s words and actions. I need to find that within myself. To stop caring what others think of me and to know what I am worth myself. I also stop and see myself through my children’s eyes. The ones who say they didn’t even realize that I had gained/lost any weight, that only see me as mom and love me that way. I realize that the best thing I can do for myself is to be my own best friend, protector and warrior.